It’s a messed-up world we’re living in. Down is up. Left is right. It’s “not okay” to use someone else’s hair to floss. There just aren’t any simple answers anymore. That’s why we have to start looking at the world around us and think about changing things. For example, this whole tax thing… It’s just not working. You’re telling me I have to give the government a portion of my money to invest in “the public good?” I mean, we already have stop lights, paved roads, libraries, and fire departments. They don’t need the money!

That’s why I propose we do something radical. I mean, really radical. Instead of giving the government money so they can horde it in a vault or something, we should give it to someone else. A third party, if you will. Someone who will spend the money the way it should be spent.

“Do you like memes?” We sat with Elon Musk, a famous billionaire who has made government efficiency a priority. We had a list of questions, but he seemed to have questions of his own. “You like memes, right? Have you seen mine? Have you seen my X account? Do you have an X account? Do you like me? Do you think I’m cool?”

He kept on asking us questions until the interview was over, so we scheduled a follow-up interview with him and made sure to show him our X accounts before we got started. “I see, the Woke Mind Virus hasn’t gotten to you yet.” Using our phones, he then liked all of his tweets—sorry, posts—and then finally answered our questions. 

“Why do I think billionaires should get your taxes? It’s simple. I would use them to ‘Make Comedy Funny Again.’ That’s more than I can say for Cheepy Joe Cryin’.” He laughed so hard at his own joke, his appendix burst. The interview was over.

We then sat down with Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon and launcher of penis rockets (really, Google them. They look exactly like penises). He gave us his pitch. “If you look at how I spend my money, a great deal of it goes to charity. Take ‘End Baldness Now,’ for example. I gave over 200 million dollars to that organization. What possible ulterior motive could I have had with that?” He looked down at his notes, causing the overhead light to make his head seem blindingly shiny. 

“And here’s another thing. The government is giving all of your money to things that don’t even matter. It says here that they’ve given money to a researcher named Mildred Boggs to find a cure for cancer. I mean, Mildred Boggs? What kind of name is that? I only give money to people with names I can respect. Like Blade. Or Bone.”

Finally, just for the hell of it, we sat down with an economist to take a look at our plan. “Giving money straight to billionaires? What the hell kind of stupid plan is this?” We told him it was our plan. “Then you’re idiots!” We tried informing him that he was actually the idiot, but he wasn’t in the mood for honest debate. 

“Listen, assholes. I don’t know who dropped you on your heads when you were babies, but this is the worst plan I’ve seen in my life. I mean, to even be a billionaire shows you have a level of greed that’s literally without limit. The government might not be perfect, but they’re a hell of a lot more likely to build a school than a billionaire is.” 

We told him his mother was fat. He left.

So, there you have it. Billionaires simply know how to spend their money the right way. That’s why they’ve been so involved with the government in the last few years. The government needed a helping hand, and they gave it one. That’s why I say, let’s just get rid of the government and grab that hand ourselves. Let’s let them lift us up for a change. Let’s cut out the middleman.