Come on. You’ve always known it was true.

You can blame the internet. You can blame the lack of hang-out locations. You can blame porn. But you’ve always known it was none of those things.

You just suck.

It isn’t me just talking either. According to a new study, most men are just total losers. That basically means it’s empirically true, so there’s no use arguing against it. Really. Stop screaming at me, you only look like more of a loser! Fine, you want some proof? Here you go.

Let’s take a look at Paul Hawkins, a twenty-eight-year-old single man who lives in Dorchester. Mr. Hawkins still lives with his parents, which is not unusual nowadays. He also works a minimum wage job at the Oink Oink Wagon. Again, plenty of people work minimum wage jobs. The problem isn’t anything on the surface. It’s someplace deeper.

We sat down with Paul and asked him to tell us a joke. Any joke. 

“That’s easy!”The idiot exclaimed. He smiled and grabbed his chin in a sort of thinking pose. As the seconds turned to minutes, his hand gradually moved away from his chin and up to his hair. “Uh… guuuuuhhhhh…. Gahhhh.” He began salivating, and his eyes rolled back. His body started shaking as the grip on his hair turned into a violent yank. As he looked at the clump of hair in his hand, he finally gave us an answer. He took a small glass bottle of whiskey he had hidden away in his pocket, broke it against the wall, then threw the shattered bottle at us before running away.

Need more proof? Our next loser is Han Johnson. A man of many interests, Han has been very public about the fact that he has been feeling lonely lately. “Yeah, man, it’s like… with the whole online dating thing. People just swipe based on, like, a look or something. I can’t win anyone over that way. Maybe if I had a six-pack, but I don’t.” 

We then asked if he would be willing to tell us whether he would say yes or no to a profile we showed him, just to get a sense of what he was looking for in a woman. He agreed. 

The girl was five-foot-nine, had curly brown hair, and brown eyes. “Alright,” Han told us, “So far she’s got all the usual parts.” It was when we got to the more personal side of things that trouble found its way into Han’s heart. “Wait, wait, wait. She’s a ‘Space Battles’ nerd? That’d be fine, but I’m seeing pictures of like, a hundred figures in her room. Who the hell spends all their money on something like that? And get this! Her bio says that she considers elephants to be ‘an extension of my soul.’ What the hell does that even mean? I’m gonna have to pass.” After he said this, we gave him the news.

That was his account.

“Oh, I see,” he said, trying to cover up his embarrassment with some chuckles. “What, did you keep everything but the profile picture the same?” No, we actually had forgotten to change that. Han just hadn’t noticed. “Heh heh, that’s weird.” He scratched the back of his head. “I guess when I didn’t see a bikini in the photo, I just kind of ignored it.” He sat up and started walking towards the door. As he left, he said one last thing. “I think I got an ingrown hair on my ass.” Who the fuck talks like that?! Are you starting to see what I mean?

Lastly, I ask you to think of the people in your life. How are you with women? Bad, I’m sure. But you must know, or at least observe, someone who isn’t. Now let’s be honest with ourselves here. We’d all like to picture some six-foot-eight, six packed football player with flowing hair and a huge pecker. It would be so easy if that’s what they looked like. But no. The people who are just cleaning up are the ones who are just… cool. They’re a fun hang. They make fun jokes and look like they belong. They don’t try to hide in plain sight or stay home all day. They’re just chill dudes. And that’s the one thing you can never be.

You just suck. That’s all there is to it. Fuck you.