It’s been roughly six years since pedophile kingpin, Jeffrey Epstein, was found dead in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center. His death was ruled a suicide by hanging; however, many were quick to point out the absurdity of such a claim, considering the high security of the facility, constant camera surveillance, and the many high-profile connections Epstein had in the film, business, and political worlds making him an ideal candidate for a classic murder-cover-up. 

You may remember the “Epstein didn’t kill himself” memes from back in the day, or perhaps have been reacquainted with the subject after watching the recently released video of Epstein and a certain commander in chief rubbing shoulders and creeping around a bunch of young girls in the 90s. But that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, given Mr. President’s history of sexual misconduct and the fact that cyber truck creator and monkey killer, Elon Musk, literally outed him as being in the “Epstein files,” claiming they haven’t been fully released because of it.

But while the files themselves are unlikely to see release under this administration, what has been released—or leaked, I should say—is the CCTV footage from the night of Epstein’s death, and let me tell you, the truth is far stranger than even the wildest of conspiracies. 

Things begin normally. Jeff is seen sitting in his cell with his pants around his ankles doinkin’ off, no doubt to illegal thoughts, when a sudden tremor shakes the facility. He gets up and looks around, confused. His confusion then turns into worry as the guards casually stroll out of the prison block, closing the doors behind them. 

Another tremor is observed, this time larger than the one before. The door of Epstein’s cell unlocks and opens. He cautiously steps out, but barely has time to process things before a 450-pound silverback gorilla rampages into the building, charges, and absolutely pummels him.

I’ll skip the gruesome details and simply say the way in which Epstein met his end was quick. Quicker than a man like that deserved. But moving on to the end of the tape, he, ironically enough, was hanged. Not by himself, but by the hulking creature that decimated him. And he wasn’t hanging from a noose. No. His severed head was hung up by his own, disemboweled intestinal tract. 

This footage no doubt raises a lot of questions. First off, if Epstein was in fact murdered, then who ordered it, and what sort of organization is in possession of such unorthodox assassins? Well, luckily for you readers, The Boston Intellectual has friends in high places, including The White House, and according to our source, whom I’ll refer to as “F,” the government has been utilizing a secret legion of untrained gorillas to carry out their most sensitive assignments for at least the past seventy years. If you’re wondering how an untrained gorilla would be capable of following commands, it’s because they aren’t really gorillas, but instead gorilla bodies with the minds of humans. 

“It began after the Second World War,” wrote F in a highly encrypted email. “The US forces raided Hitler’s treasure horde and found a whole array of weird shit. Artifacts, devices, testicles. It was like walking through the weird shit museum. Anyway, the weirdest shit of all was a collection of rings, about twenty-four in total, that allowed the wearers to swap minds. It didn’t take old Truman long before realizing the implications such accessories could have in covert warfare.”

Apparently, scientists realized that giving one ring to a human and the other to a gorilla allowed them to essentially have an operative as strong as ten men that would follow orders like one man. A secret division was quickly formed that specialized in missions deemed too sensitive and detrimental for standard human agents. The GIA (Gorilla Intelligence Agency) was soon involved in some of the nation’s most famous cover-ups. Even the assassination of John F. Kennedy. 

I didn’t want to believe it at first, but after F urged me to rewatch the famous footage of JFK’s death, I noticed something I had never seen before. After slowing the video down, and paying extra close attention, I saw a large, silverback gorilla shove its way through the crowd, run into the street, jump up onto JFK’s car, and right as the sound of gunfire rang out, punch the President in the back of the head with the full force of the jungle. He then hopped down, ran across the road, and disappeared into the crowd, having successfully completed the mission. How could we all have been so blind?

While it’s now been confirmed that Epstein’s death was ordered by the government, the reasoning as to why is still speculative. I mean, if you take into consideration who was president during 2019 and his now, even more apparent, ties to Epstein’s dirty deeds, perhaps it isn’t so speculative, but I’d rather ask the bigger question: If the minds of the human agents were swapped into the bodies of the gorillas, what happened to the minds of the gorillas that were swapped into the bodies of the human agents? 

Unfortunately, this information is buried deeper than even our highest confidants have access to, but perhaps in time, the answer will come to light.