So, you thought the dead didn’t have to pay taxes, huh? In theory, it seems logical enough, as taxes are typically paid for work, housing, and engaging in consumerism, all activities unfit for someone deceased. But while you might think evading taxes is as easy as evading the “DANGER: Third Rail” sign at the subway station, a newly added division of the IRS sets out to prove you dead—excuse the pun—wrong.

The Department of Paranormal Efficiency, or D.O.P.E. for short, was recently established to milk the dearly departed dry in a last-ditch effort to increase government funding amidst a sinking economy. Some have argued that the fifty billion dollars used to fund the department would have been better spent improving conditions so fewer people would be wondering whether or not the dead pay taxes, but according to its chief director, “Yeah, haha. Wouldn’t be as funny. XD.”

D.O.P.E. works by employing a legion of underworld tax collectors known as Taxcrawlers. The origin of these supernatural shadow demons is currently unknown, but they possess a wide variety of paranormal abilities which they use in their never-ending conquest to hunt down and collect money from the dead. It also appears that having your taxes collected by a Taxcrawler damns your soul to an eternity of service and that you, too, will become a Taxcrawler. 

I was first made aware of these strange creatures after being contacted by Jimmothy Shallotday through a Ouija board. Like many of us, Jimmy spent the first half of April twiddling his thumbs and watching funny raccoon videos on YouTube instead of taking thirty minutes to file his taxes for free online. After realizing he missed the window for filing earlier this week, not wanting to be late, he decided to tie a fifty-pound weight around his neck and drop it off the roof of his apartment building. He thought his financial problems would end at the ground; however, it was actually ground zero for the worst financial plight of his… afterlife. 

“I’m not gonna get into what happens when you die. It’s kinda boring, actually.” The planchette moved slowly between letters as Jimmy spoke through me. “It was the typical procedural kind of stuff until one day, this stranger came up to me. He looked like Elrond from “The Lord of the Rings,” but with shorter hair, sunglasses, and a slick government suit. He told me he was there to ‘collect.’ Before I had time to react, he reached a shadowy hand into my chest, ripped out my soul, and placed it into a burlap sack.” 

Apparently, Jimmy had never seen “The Matrix,” as Agent Smith would have made for a much better comparison, but what was more concerning was the fact that Taxcrawlers don’t seem to be collecting actual money; they appear to be collecting people’s souls. An attempt to get more information from the ghostly confidant was made, but the connection between our realm and the spirit realm was swiftly ended. I have no doubt that Jimmy has most likely already become one of them.

What the United States government plans to do with the souls harvested through D.O.P.E. is a mystery, but when pressed for an answer, all we received was a heartless defence of the program’s work:

“When you leave a party early, it’s customary to give the host an apology. That’s all this is. A little politeness never hurt anyone, now, did it? Consider your apology accepted… and the check cashed.” 

While this situation may seem bleak, there is a loophole. If you’re alive, the IRS can hunt you down and collect; if you’re dead, D.O.P.E. will send their dreaded Taxcrawlers after you; but if you exist in a state between the dead and the living—a twilight conscienceness, if you will—you’ll fall out of both of their jurisdictions. 

There are many ways to become undead. You could bang a vampire, you could bang a werewolf, or you could bang your head against a brick wall until you slip into a permanent coma. The choice is yours, and while this lifestyle comes with drawbacks, ask yourself this: Is the ability to eat garlic and enter churches without bursting into flames really worth paying taxes for?