It may be hard to hear, but it’s a simple fact of life that few things are in our control, and trying to fight against the Universe all the time can leave us stressed and drained. While I’d usually recommend letting go and going with the flow, when it comes to your bathroom—your throne—you deserve to rule it like a monarch. However, the thing with bathrooms is that they’re notoriously private and instituting an open door policy would only defeat the purpose of what the room is for. So, as a proud homeowner or renter, how do you maintain control over what your guests do in the privacy of your lou? Introducing Brown Towels. 

Are you sick and tired of going into your bathroom after having the boys over for finger-painting night or the girls over for weekly axe-grinding tamale talk, only to find stains on all your towels? White ones, red ones, all sorts of ones, ruined by dirty, disgusting stains! Well, if this sounds like you, then you’d definitely benefit from having a couple of Brown Towels on hand. 

The way it works is simple. Just swap out your towels for Brown Towels, and relax in the everlasting bliss of your own ignorance as those icky, sticky stains are good as gone—well, technically, we aren’t allowed to say “gone” but think more along the lines of “un-noticeable.” I mean, you put a green bush in front of a green tree, and it seemingly disappears, right? You put Steven Segal in front of a giant pile of turds and he seemingly disappears, right? The patented blending technology of Brown Towels works by placing something undesirable over a background of something non-distinguishable. With a Brown Towel hanging in your bathroom, you don’t even know now!  

Personally, I became a firm believer in this product a few months ago, after a particularly disastrous night having friends over for our monthly hot sauce trivia party, where wrong answers led to chugging dangerous quantities of increasingly spicy sauces. Anyway, while years of playing this game have led to the irreversible loss of both my sense of taste and smell, my eyesight is still perfectly intact, and let me tell you, the state of my precious, once-vibrantly colored towels, was such a travesty after that night, it was like Shrek used them to dry off after a mud bath. Since I’ve purchased a set of Brown Towels, my lavatory has remained as clean as a whistle.  

“What you don’t know, only makes you stronger,” says Justin Brown, founder and CEO of Brown Towels. “Some people doubt our mission and send us these weird complaints about supposed odors associated with our product, but they’re really just blowing out their asshole. Maybe they need a Brown Towel to clean up.”

Brown, who is well known in the body modification scene for making alterations to his facial structure—including the removal of his nose—to look like his idol, Dry Bones from Mario Kart DS, has come under much criticism. Many claim that trying to look like Dry Bones doesn’t make sense because he’s the skeleton of a Koopa, which is based on a turtle, and not that of a human being with a human nose. Others claim that the issue of people wiping their asses with towels is not as widespread as Brown posits.

According to Brown, it can all be boiled down to one issue: Class divide. “You got some assholes out there that use toilet paper, bidets, or do it Canadian-style; however, you got some other assholes out there that would wipe their ass with a fat stack of Franklins if they had the choice.”  

In my humble experience, I agree with Brown. I once had a friend from Duxbury who would replace their toilet every time they farted in it and then take a full-on shower to rinse off the low-class filth tracked in by the on-call plumber. When it comes to those raised in the lap of luxury, common commodities like toilet paper can appear as alien to them as a four-in-one personal butler-chef-android-lover appears to us. Brown Towels accommodates the misunderstandings of the wealthy elite, giving them a fair opportunity to mingle with the plebeian class. 

“Look, if you invite your friend over to your third-floor apartment and they’re in a wheelchair, you make sure you have an elevator,” said Brown at a recent press release that instantly came under fire for supposedly comparing disabled communities to the rich.

While some—mother, therapist, and local priest—would suggest I simply stop playing hot sauce trivia with people who think wiping their ass with a towel is okay, at the end of the day, somebody has to pay for all that sauce, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be me. I mean, we’re guzzling straight Oliveum, Swamp Dragon, Fire in the Hole, Dangerous Donkey, Volcano Jizz, Liquid Suicide, Red by Hades Johnson, Satan’s Jizz, Pain Drizzle, and that’s just scratching the surface. We’re using top-of-the-line, high-caliber stuff, and if I need to hang a few Brown Towels next to my toilet to be friends with people who can afford more than a bottle of Frank’s Red Hot from Stop & Shop, that’s a compromise I’m willing to make.   

Brown Towels: You don’t even know now!